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In July of 2007, I met a cute girl we'll call "Jane". She was a 5'2" fireball from Boise, Idaho. Half-Chinese
with golden skin and bleached blond hair. Jane just happened to be into horror films and rock music. We struck up a nice
friendship. Right off the bat, she told me that she didn't date. That she was still getting over her ex-boyfriend. I let
her know that I was single, so that when the day came that she was ready to date again, that I was available.
She turned out to be a wonderful hiking partner and a foodie, like me. We went to some great restaurants. Jane is also
one of my favorite conversationalists. I loved picking her brain. Did I mention that she was a talented author, too? I
admired the fact that she had ambition....she was also an actress. Did a few plays, did a few movies.
We went to the movies twice, but unfortunately she just sat there like a robot. Didn't hold my hand, caress my leg, cuddle
with me, kiss me, NOTHING. I felt like giving her a guidebook. Lol. Of course I couldn't make a move on her since she claimed
she didn't date.
The second time I took her to the movies, she said something extremely weird and of course misleading. She asked, "Can
I ask a favor?" I nodded. "Would you please have sex with me?" I was stunned and was about to lean in to
kiss her. Jane giggled and said, "Just kidding! Could you pick up my mom at the airport?" I thought to myself,
what an awful tease. I went ahead and picked up her mom. To this day, I wish she hadn't been kidding about the sex. I was
really overdue for it considering how much time we'd spent together.
Then came the fibbing. The first time I caught it was when she bragged about having sex with a guy seven years her junior.
I was confused, "I thought you didn't date?" She responded, "Well, I don't have time to date." She also
said something that struck me very oddly, "I don't think we should go to the movies anymore, but we can still go hiking."
Bizarre.
A month later, she accidentally let it slip that she was having sex with the guitarist in a Journey tribute band called
Lights. I fumed, "You told me you didn't have time to date." She then confessed that she was still having sex
with her ex-boyfriend, too. Around this time in our friendship, she was constantly talking about how much she enjoyed sex.
Just not with me, ha!
She was also going to these meetups for Shriekfest, an annual horror festival here in Los Angeles. She confessed that
she was only going to these to "find dick". I felt like unzipping my pants and saying, "Well, there's some
right here." She was starting to annoy me at this point, rubbing it in my face about how many guys she was screwing
when she knew that I was single and interested.
Jane was writing erotic fiction. She also did some interviews about sex. I finally decided it was my turn. I had waited
in line long enough. Why were all these guys being given a chance and not me? I invited her to a Halloween party where there
would be plenty of alcohol. I put a condom in my pocket. Afterwards, I said I was too buzzed to drive home and maybe I could
spend the night? That way we could FINALLY have some sex.
The tension had been building and I knew she liked me by this point. During the party, she got tipsy and confessed to
my friends that she had a crush on me. Surprisingly, she turned me down. I was totally taken off-guard. Started wondering
to myself, what the hell were these guys doing to get her in the sack?
Around this time, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I told Jane that I was planning a trip to San Francisco, something
I'd been planning and saving for about half the year. She got excited and asked if she could tag along? I realized that
she saw this as an opportunity for us to have some sex at last! I mean, you wouldn't go on someone's vacation with them and
THEN turn them down for sex, right? Horrible manners. I think she was feeling guilty about turning me down after that Halloween
party.
About once a month, somebody will call or email and ask about the infamous "San Francisco Incident". It's the
stuff made of legends. Something that no man, or woman, should ever have to go through. In fact, I have never met a single
person who's had this happen to them. An extremely humiliating situation in which a girl convinced me to take a week off
work, empty my bank account, and drive 700 miles.
To have sex, right? Well, that's what one would expect. Instead, she confessed that she was only using me to hook up
with a guy she met on the internet. YIKES! It was my first and only time having a girl ask to come on a vacation with me.
It was also the one time she ever went on another guy's vacation(besides her ex-husband).
Keep in mind that this was originally a 2-day trip. I asked her the big questions that decides if she was tagging along
as a friend or sexual playmate. "Would you like your own separate hotel room?" Jane responded, "We can just
share a room." This was great! Now the next question, "One bed or two?" She said in a flirtatious way, "I
wouldn't mind sharing a bed with you."
AWESOME! Best day of my life. We then decided to expand it to be a 4-day trip. I couldn't afford it, but the no-strings-attached
sex would be worth it. I even spent $400 to tune up my truck to ensure it would make the trip. There was another strange
thing she brought up, "Is anybody else coming on the trip?" I was like, "No, it's just you and me."
Why the hell would I let anybody else tag along and then ruin it all? I had made a list of things I wanted to do: see Alcatraz,
the Winchester Mansion, Giants Stadium, my friends Joe & Priscilla, Le Video and a few other things.
I told my friends and they cheered me on. "Way to go, man! Getting laid for FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT." I felt like
an adult, doing what adults do. Jane was having sex with practically half of Los Angeles at this point and now it was my
turn. I had waited in line long enough. She was single. I was single. She liked me. I liked her. This was to be the
best vacation ever. I hadn't looked forward to something so much in ages.
I bought two boxes of condoms. Would that be enough? I started planning it out on paper and estimated we'd probably
have sex half a dozen times. So I even asked her why she wanted to go on my trip with me so badly. She said she wanted to
meet up with a band in the area. I thought maybe she wanted to interview them. She had a side gig where she interviewed
bands, actors, etc..
About a week before the trip, she seemed nervous a bit. She asked if I liked anyone. I said that I liked an actress
named Lisa Jay. I had asked her out and she never bothered responding. It was a huge slap to the face.
So then Jane asks, "Is there anybody else you like?" I then caught the hint that she wanted to make sure that
I liked her since we were about to share a bed in a hotel room. I let her know that I liked her and that made her even more
nervous. Maybe I should have kissed her then? She certainly could have made a move as well...
Thus the trip begins. People were texting me, "Good luck! Let us know how the sex is. Have fun!" We got
up there and things turned sour almost the moment we hopped into bed together.
Here's the conversation that followed right after we got into bed. Part of it is implied and added for humor. Enjoy.
Eric: "Would you like a foot massage?"
Jane: "Um....no thanks. Wait, are you trying to have sex with me?"
E: "Yeah. Are you not in the mood? Maybe tomorrow morning..."
J: "No. I can't have sex with you! Why would you think I'd want to have sex with you?"
E: "Well, we are in bed together....in a hotel room...350 miles from home....for the next 4 days."
J: "Eric, sorry....you're not good enough for me. You waited too long. I only have sex with guys I've known for
a few weeks or less. I can't have sex with you. I mean, look at you. You're not my type."
E: "Not your type? What does that have to do with it? It's just no strings attached sex."
J: "You're creeping me out. What makes you think you could have sex with someone of my caliber?"
E: "You're single, I'm single. I have a crush on you. You have a crush on me."
J: "I like someone else."
E: "If you like somebody else, why aren't you on vacation with them? What are WE doing in bed together? Does HE
know we're in bed together? This is so misleading! I asked you plain as day if you wanted one bed or two for the hotel room.
This was originally MY vacation. I planned this trip BEFORE I met you!"
J: "What difference does it make, one bed or two?"
E: "It's asking if you wanted to have sex with me or not. One bed for sex, two beds if you just wanted to be friends.
How could you choose one bed and then turn a person down? That's rude."
J: "You didn't go to college. You don't have a real job. You don't play any musical instruments. You don't eat
the right kinds of food."
E: "What does that have to do with anything? I'm on tv everyday. I work in the movie business! Eat the right kinds
of food....huh?"
J: "I'm a vegetarian. I'm gonna have two kids and they're gonna be vegetarians. My future husband has to be a vegetarian."
E: "Well, you sure do like sausage."
J: "Sausage?"
E: "Jane, you told me you've had sex with two dozen guys. Even Matt Kirshen and Stephen Wozniak got sex. Two of
your co-workers were given a chance. The guy in the Journey cover band got lucky. The bus driver was even given an opportunity!
You sure put out for a lot of dudes. Just not me..."
At this moment, Jane starts to cry and acts like I'm a total stranger. I begin to caress her arm to calm her down. She
jerks away and acts like I'm a bad guy. I....feel....very....awkward....
J: "Don't touch me. Go to sleep. I'm tired."
E: "I've been so nice to you these past few months. This is ridiculous. Why would you lead me on?"
J: "I have a confession to make."
E: "You're a lesbo? I think you said you had sex with porn star Hollie Stevens, right?"
J: "I'm not a lesbian! Remember the guy I said I like? We're meeting him tomorrow."
E: "We're hundreds of miles from home. We'll be in San Francisco tomorrow, silly."
J: "His name is David Kirk and I like him a lot. I want to have sex with him."
E: "You lied to me! You told me you wanted to tag along on my trip to meet a band. To do an interview with them
or something. Sounds like you're giving his COCK an interview!"
J: "Well....he IS in a band. A band called Talons of Peace."
E: "You haven't even met the guy and you're already wanting to have sex with him? You are NOT bringing him back
to the hotel room to pork him. I should be the one getting a humping, not him!"
J: "He's a drummer. You're not. You know I've had sex with quite a few drummers. You're just not experienced enough
for me, Spudic. David's taking a bus from Oakland tomorrow to meet us at a bar at seven."
E: "Seven? That means we have to hurry up and get back from Alcatraz. This is fraud! Why didn't you tell me BEFORE
that you were only wanting to go up here to meet this guy? I could have canceled the trip and saved hundreds of dollars.
Wait a minute....he's taking a BUS? Why doesn't he just drive his own vehicle?"
J: "He can't afford one."
E: "I have a truck and I can't get sex! This guy doesn't even own a car and he's getting laid. Can't you just meet
him on your own time with your own money?"
J: "No, we're already here! Plus, I figured you were paying half the gas and half the hotel. Besides, I don't want
all that wear and tear on my car."
E: "I don't understand how all these other twenty or thirty guys got to have sex with you. Did they have to get
you drunk or something?"
J: "Fine then. I'll give you a kiss! But you have to brush your teeth first."
E: "I just brushed my teeth five minutes ago."
J: "I didn't see you. I was in the shower. Brush them again."
At this point, I go to brush my teeth again. She's getting weird. Is it gonna be a peck or a full make-out? Are we
going to time the kiss? At this point, multiple thoughts cross my mind. Should I go to the police and press fraud charges?
Should I just pack my bags and ditch her? She'll have to take a plane back home. I'm conflicted. But I'm ready for that
kiss. Maybe that will put her in the mood. So I jump back into bed with her and she just starts venting immediately!
J: "We can't be friends anymore. This is the end of our friendship."
E: "Why are you ending the friendship? I'm willing to forgive you with a written apology and a check to cover my
losses. Lost wages.....food....tourist attractions....hotel....gas.... We're talking nearly a thousand bucks. Ugh."
J: "I can't be friends with you because you wanna have sex with me."
E: "Was I honestly supposed to keep my hands to myself and go to sleep when you hopped into bed with me?"
J: "Yes, you're supposed to just go to sleep."
E: "So I'm basically just a taxi driver. I have a boner now. You're hot. I can't help it. You promised me a kiss.
What happened with that?"
J: "Go to sleep!"
At that moment, I pull down my pants, plant my bare ass into Jane's face, and FART. Just kidding. I made that last part
up.
The next morning, I texted my friends to let them know I wouldn't have time to meet up. So I canceled my plans for Saturday
night. I also figured I'd skip Le Video and Giants Stadium. I wasn't even sure why I still went to Alcatraz and Winchester.
After Jane confessed that she was scamming me, I completely lost interest in even being there. My friends were texting me,
"For the amount of money you spent, you could've gone to a brothel in Nevada and had sex GUARANTEED."
Ladies, let this be a lesson to you. If you ask to share a bed with a guy in a hotel room, DO NOT turn him down for sex.
It's very traumatizing. Choose TWO BEDS if you just want to be friends. Also, reveal your true intentions. If you're only
tagging along to have sex with SOMEBODY ELSE, please do tell us beforehand. That way, we can cancel the trip and save HUNDREDS
of dollars, a friendship, and several days of our lives. Plus, the opportunity is there. Take advantage of it! Just have
sex with the person. It's common courtesy.
The ride back home was the longest ever it seemed. She got a call from David and he said that he was coming to visit
in two weeks. Jane says, "You don't have to get a hotel. You can just stay at my place." I wanted to smack her.
I've always wondered how many times they had sex? What a lucky guy. To piss me off further, she told me of her desire to
have sex with a firefighter. First, you declare me too hideous looking to have sex with and NOW you're telling me about your
fantasies?
In the months after, I started to analyze everything she did and said that led up to this trip. I began to wonder if
she had psychiatric issues? She exhibited a diva-like attitude at times. She certainly had symptoms of narcissism. Jane
insisted on sleeping on the side of the bed nearest the bathroom. She insisted on taking the first bite at a restaurant.
Even wanted me to walk on the part of the sidewalk closest to the road when we were walking!
One time she said she was sleeping with a guy who was in a relationship. I asked if she was worried she might ruin the
relationship. She simply said, "I don't give a crap about her. Who cares?" Then it got me to thinking when she
said she only slept with guys she had known for a few weeks or less. Possibly a mental illness.
It's definitely the most traumatic moment of my life. Being declared too ugly to have sex with. That's a tough one to
live with. I certainly won't do anything nice for a woman ever again. They can go on their own vacations. There was just
no way I could press charges against Jane. It would destroy any chance of us patching things up. We had a wonderful friendship.
I'm a pretty forgiving guy as long as the other person makes an effort to write an apology note, cuts me a check, buys me
lunch and gives me a big hug. Even a lengthy, friendly conversation goes a long way.
She certainly could have turned me down for sex in a more polite manner. Some people are estimating that it could take
anywhere from 1 - 10 years to recover from this. I will not be letting a girl tag along on a trip ever again. Unless it
was put in writing that I was getting sex guaranteed and not some other guy.
People have asked why I simply didn't just pack my bags and leave after she confessed that she was conning me out of all
that money. I couldn't bare the thought of ditching my friend behind. If something had happened to her(kidnapped, raped,
murdered), I'd never be able to get over it.
I told myself that I had a civic duty to be protective of Jane and be there when she met these other guys. They could've
been serial killers, right? I remember at one point two of them thought it was bizarre that this girl and I were sharing
a bed together, but she was there to hook up with their drummer. They felt really bad for me and got me a beer.
I sometimes put myself in her shoes. Would I ever ask to tag along on another girl's vacation and then turn her down
for sex? Absolutely not. Learn some manners! I wonder just what did some of these guys do to get her in the sack. John
Gonzalez, two of the guys who worked in her office building, maybe even Ralis Kahn. Maybe Volt Francisco got a chance? I
sometimes wonder if she would have given me a chance if I was taller or dressed nicer. Maybe if I had more money or didn't
have a bald spot. I never felt so unattractive in my life after this event.
Somebody asked the other day how I would respond if Jane called out of the blue and said, "Hey, let's have lunch!"
Would I do it or tell her to piss off? Of course I'd have lunch with her. I wouldn't miss it for the world. That's how
great our friendship was before this hot mess. I'd give her the bill, too. ;-)
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